Alone (Take 2)
Dear friends,
Today I want to talk to you about something, I’ve already talked about before. As this is a personal and deep subject, I knew I would need to cover it again, and again. I’m going to be talking about, being Alone. Which is something I know a lot of us feel, one time or another. Which is even more heart breaking is, a lot of us are not talking about it. As to the why, I dont know, but I know why I dont and let me tell you about it.
In the past I have talked about my mental health, what caused it, and what goes on with it. The main cause of my having break downs is the feeling of feeling alone. When I know I have a support system, and when that falls away. Thats when that alone and loneliness feeling has a grip on me. I start thinking about hurting myself or ending my life. Which is why I’ve constantly talked about the alone feeling I feel.
Through all the therapy I’ve had, you learn to realise negative behaviours and patterns. Of course, I’ve learned and noticed a lot of the things I do when I have the alone feeling. In the last few months (at time of writing) I haven’t really felt as alone as I normally do. This might be due to the fact, I am working full time again, so I am talking to people around me and people in general. Or it might be, I have a system in place to make sure that I am being social, and talking to people about how I feel. Or maybe, it could be I am just fine, or me being honest about things is just working out. I think knowing all what I have in place is working out for me.
However, just because I have understood why I might be okay, I still have a lot incite to my bad behaviour. I know a lot of the time why I have I feel alone. One of the easiest things that happens, you feel like people are not listening to you. It happens a lot. when I think about it, I say something someone is asking me about something I’ve said hours ago, when the relevancy has passed. Or if someone does listen, it’s not really understanding the gravity of what I am saying. It’s this really annoying idea, what I’m saying wouldn’t be a big deal to them. Not realising to some people it is a big deal, this littlest thing could upset a person. Or even having the courage to say in the face place is a big deal.
I do think communication is a big issue with me. I have so many diffrent devices to connect to people, but a lot of the time I feel like I have zero connections. Or when I do have connections, it’s when peopled decided to cancel on me last minute. It doesn’t help a lot toward me feel good about myself. As some times it feels better to say some of these thigns out loud. I think some people think that I or others will be okay. While some people like me, have mental geared themselves up to be social and then had it taken away. Or in some cases, had some really important they wanted to discuss, about what has been distressing now they can’t. Which is why I used to do something that links into a couple things I’ve talked about this season.
One my reactions in the past has been me going online to find guys to make me feel better. Which I don’t mean just talking, I mean just think about degrading myself to make me feel better. Meaning talking to people I am not remotely attracted to, just to have someone to talk to. In some case allow them so say what they want to me to feel some sort of connection. Luckily though, this hasn’t happen too often, as many people who seem to be interested dont seem really interested when it comes to getting down (As mentioned last week). Which frustrates me a lot, when I feel like I do, but I think in the long run it has been a better experience.
Something more positive though, in a at least 2 years I haven’t had a suicidal thought. Which is great, honestly. The reason why a lot of my suicidal thoughts come from me feeling like, no would care if I disappeared. So going that long without thinking that is great. It’s not great I still feel a lone sometimes; the silver lining is, I haven’t felt so bad I wanted to end my life. Which is a small victory.
The biggest thing is remembering, I am not alone! I have people who care. Even though that seems to be getting smaller and smaller by the years, but I have people who care. I feel like I can say, “you know what, I am having this issue,” and feel heard. I have also edited my expectations, if I am having serious issues, don’t text call. Then things get sorted, a lot sooner. The people I contact will be willing to listen wither it takes 5 minutes or half an hour. Which really makes me feel better. Also knowing every Sunday, I will message the people I care about, and have a time where I can bring up any issues I’m having. Knowing that gives me a lot of comfort, and makes me aware, I AM NOT ALONE!
The issue is, I know a lot of us feel like we are alone, and that we don’t want to go it alone. Which is why I know some people can’t be alone. I have no shade against, I get it. I mean I always miss having someone to turn to. While I also think, we shouldn’t be too scared to admit that. If we feel alone, tell people and find ways of trying not be alone. Wither that’s spending more time with family, or friends. Or finding ways in which you are alone, you have something to occupy your mind. Which is has worked for me recently as reading, puzzles and of course video games have kept busy.
Being alone isn’t a weakness. It’s just a system of life. We grow up with families who care for us and take care of us. Then when we grow up, for some people it changes to something else. We’re no longer children, we don’t get the same comfort as we used to. Were expected to go and people who are going to give us this comfort. Which in the modern word is hard to do. All I know is, I am going to continue to be honest, and when I feel like I am alone, remember I’m not. I have people who care and they make me feel less alone. If you are ever feeling alone remember you have me to turn. I will see you all next season!
Xo FabEs
