Done.
Dear Friends,
For the longest time I thought I had a normal family relationship, but since my depressive episode, I have felt certain people haven’t actually cared about what I have been going through. Now I’ve officially had enough.
I know on here I don’t normally name and shame, so I’m not. I am going to say them as a whole, because they know who they are. I’m sure as hell aren’t worried they might read this, and wonder ‘what have I done?’ If you have to think that, you are a selfish ass hole. The question you should be asking is, what haven’t I done?
Once upon a time I used to think I could count on my family being there, and that is why when I was feeling down, I would never hesitate to ask for; help, advice, and what not. Of late I feel this has been going away. I know very well everyone has their own shit, but sometimes it’s still nice to get a checked in.
Lately I have slowly realised what I use to, isn’t there anymore. No one has asked; me how I am doing? Am I okay? Do I still feel suicidal? No one asked how my therapy sessions have been going. Or asking; is it helping? Do you feel better about going to see them? Worst yet, is people not even remembering where I’m going at the same time every week.
Some people might argue, I am being giving my own space, and. I say, nope. People do not care, and what makes this fact is, my bosses have asked how I’m doing, and how my therapy is going. Yet not one of own family has yet to ask me.
Some of you, and a part of me, might think, I am being petty, and maybe I am. The truth of the matter is I am going through a hard time, with a lot of stuff, and I feel the people in my own household aren’t there to help me. Which is why, I constantly have to burden my friends with the worried thoughts because they ask. To be honest I am glad someone is asking me.
Why have I named this post done? As of this moment, as I write this, I am official done with caring. As of this minute, I can feel the love I had for my family is gone. I honestly feel nothing, and that tells me I am done. No dramatics, no pleas for help I am just done.
I know deep inside me a part of me wishes they still cared. When I’m asked what’s wrong, and I say ‘nothing’, I wish it’s not taken at face value. Or that someone would go, ‘what’s going on really,’ and I would tell them.
I don’t think people have been accepting of my relationship, as it has yet to come up in conversation. That is a stress in itself. I know people haven’t been listening to me. The biggest of all, which none of them know is; I wanted to kill myself on Christmas Day. Those would be the things I’d like to be honest about, but I can’t.
It’s funny how to me, I feel more welcome and valued by people I’ve met a couple times, more then people who have known me all my life. That’s a sad fact and truth. That’s all I can ever do is just give my truth. If I didn’t have my friends to support me on Christmas Day, I know I would have taken my own life that day. But hey, it’s not like anyone noticed someone was off with me. So once again I would like to thank the inner circle for making me feel like I have people who care, and willed me to get help. Without them I wouldn’t be writing this, or gotten rid of the feeling I shouldn’t be here.
XO FabEs
