I AM Part 3: Born This Way

Dear Friends, 

As it is pride month I thought I would save this part of talking about myself for it to be on theme and on trend. Today i am going to talk about how, 

I AM HOMOSEXUAL

Part 1: History

One of the most common question I get asked when people find out I am gay, is when did you know? Which is a very hard question to really answer, because the truth is I've always kind of known I was different. When I look back to when I was younger, there were some flags to me knowing that I was different. I say different rather than gay, because at 5 you dont know what it means to be gay. Nor do you think what you’re thinking is different or weird, unless someone tells you otherwise. I mean when you realise you have a connection with another boy, you just think it's friendship right? Now I know it wasnt just that, it was being just plan gay. As for the boys, I'm not going to name names, because they might read this. FYI if you did know me then, yes it was you, hope you’re happy. 

When I got older it became a lot clearer to me that I liked other men, which like many people in my situation, denied the hell out of it. There was a lot of reasons why I did this, but mainly because in the late to 90’s and 00’s it wasn’t exactly gay friendly. Which didn't make me feel like I could be myself around people. Also not to mention then constant confusing feelings. Like me finding men attractive, but also finding women attractive, what does that mean? Which is why I came out as bisexual. 

At one point in my life I did think I was bisexual, and know what a lot of people are thinking. Bisexual just means, gay eventually. Ha ha funny joke, but it doesn't mean that for all people. When you’re still discovering your sexuality there are a lot of question marks you don't really understand. As life moved on, I realised yes I do find some women attractive, and still do, but it doesn’t mean I want to have sex with them. 

As a man in my 30s I have now understood my sexuality, I am gay, but I am not 100% gay. Let me introduce you to the Kinsey Scale (see below). This is where I have grown to understand the difference of who I am. Personally, I am 5. So I am not completely homosexual, but slight heterosexual, and thats okay. I say this because the idea of a woman doesn't make me feel sick like some people assume. I am very aware of attractive women, and I can say that without feeling weird about it. Now you know, and it’s not a big deal. 

Part 2: Acceptance

The world we live in isn’t perfect. I know that, you know that. Some people think that my whole existence is wrong, a sin, and I should be killed or put in prison. With all that in mind, it takes a lot of people who are queer to accept themselves. As I previously mentioned back at Easter, I am Roman Catholic, and if you read the bible, they really are not okay with it. Which is why I don't have a religion any more. Some people think its sad, i just accept it for what it is. 

The road to me accepting myself was a long one, not as long as some peoples, but doesn't mean it was easier or more difficult than others. Everyone experience is different, and me coming to terms with being who I am. One the main hurdles had to do with my race. I thought I couldnt be who I am because black people arent gay. Now that sounds silly, because I am. It took a while to realise I am black and gay so they must exsit, and of course since then there are many well know black queer people. Some times what is werid for me is, I think of myself as being gay first, black second. I don't know why, maybe systematic racism has just made me forget about my race at times. 

Let’s not forget about people accepting me. A lot of guys I've dated assume my family doesn't accept my lifestyle. Why? Stereotyping! I am fortunate enough to have the people around me who’ve known me my whole life, to accept who I am, and the people since have accepted me. Nowadays I feel so at peace with myself that it isn’t something I hide from anyone any more. When I start new jobs and meet new people, I don’t go hey I’m FabEs the fag. I just be myself and if someone happens to ask me about who I’m dating, or in the one case brave enough to ask me, I will tell them. Then if some people have an issue with it, it's their problem not mine. 

Part 3: Sex

For the longest part of my life I have been curious about gay sex. If you’re not new here, you know I look at it, and so does Mr Nick. The reason why I do this is simple, gay sex hasn’t always been talked about. When you get sex education, you mainly get told about heterosexual sex. Now when you don’t want to do that, what do you do? If you’re smart you do your own research, which I have done since I was about 14, and haven’t stopped since. 

I will say this now, and again so that people understand. When I ask people about the sexual interests, I am not asking for me to sit in my room and jerk off. I am asking out the curiosity for me to compile some general understanding and ideas. Which is why it annoys me so much when so many homo’s make me feel bad for asking. When you know we are a very small group, and we need to support each other. I'm going to write about it. But hey, some people aren't as open, and feel like it's an invasion of privacy. I understand that, and I'm fine with that, honestly. It's just a shame that in a private conversation we can discuss it like adults. 

I want to make this very clear, because I know what some people think. Not all gay people are obsessed with having sex. I have a high interest, not because I am obsessed. I have an interest as I’m curious person, and want to normalise the idea of gay sex. Also the frankness about being honest and open about it. Not necessarily making a joke out of it, or being worried we will be seen a slut. Like I say all the time not everyone is the same. I know there are some people who are only into having sex with men and not getting close to them. I am not one of these people. 

Part 4: Different 

One of the things about being gay I have long acceptive, I am different. Once again from childhood I had accepted I was different. Now I am truly different from most people, mainly because I am not hetrosexual. Some people might not see that as too different, but at the same time I know the truth it is. Which I have accepted. I know I will never be like the guy next door. I will always be the gay guy and that is fine. But there is a lot of magic that comes from that. I get to live a life that is what I choose. 

This a very recent idea I have thought about, being gay means that I am not exact like everyone else. I date men, may get married to a man, and don't have generations of life long goals. Some people think that we gays want to live a life just like a heterosexual couple. We want to get married, have kids and imitate straight people. Some people do want that, personally I don't. Not that I'm against it, I want to live a life that is of my own making that isn’t generic. And being gay allows me to do that. 

I want to meet a guy, and just live together and grow and do what ever the fuck we like. Which doesn't have to be monogamous. Or worry about having to find the expense of bringing up kids. For me kids very much is a choice that I may not take. Of course, the person I'm with may have a different opinion, but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. 

I don't say this to make anyone feel bad about their life, I just like the fact that I have learned that I don't need to feel normal. I am normal, but my life and what I do within it will never be the norm. And me accepting that, and not feeling like I am missing out, or living my life the wrong way. Where as others might think being gay means that I can’t life a fulfilling life. Whereas, I know I am not tied down by society's rules and that is freeing to me. 

Part 5: Future

Going forward there are a lot of things I have to do. One of these things is making sure that where I live has gay rights. I know I am fortunate to be living in the UK. However if my life were to ever come under threat, I know I will have to fight for my right to live. I am human. I deserve human rights, and continue the fight that we have now been fighting for fifty years. 

I will also continue to educate and speak about gay history, and make sure people are aware of what it means to be gay. And help those around me who may be struggling with their identity. Because I feel like everyone should be able to feel like me, and be okay with who they are, and not let people make them feel shitty about it. 

Being gay used be something that made me feel so much anxiety and worry about being myself. I now don't feel any of that. No shame, no real worry, I am just me. I no longer worry about people finding out. I have accepted myself and my sexuality and everything that comes with it. I wish more people could feel like that, and not have some many people hating themselves, and taking their own lives. I know it's hard, and this is just a portion of my story. If you know others ask them, in a polite manner how they feel. 

Thank you for reading, it's Pride Month and this month we are just going all out celebrating! So let’s get QUEER and FABULOUS!

Xo FabEs