Scream & Shout
Dear friends,
How often do you go off? I am gently asking, because sometimes I don’t think I do it enough. Given the job I do, you would think that I am constantly screaming and shouting to get things done. I am not. I am always killing people with kindness. However, when it comes to other aspects of my life I feel like I am keeping a lot in, and I don't need to be told that isn't healthy.
For me, sometimes I can feel this rage, anger and darkness inside of me. Sometimes I don’t know if that is a holdover from the unprocessed trauma. Or sometimes I am not sure if it's just the person I truly am. The real me is dark and twisted. While this face I put on, is all an act, and I’m telling myself how I should be acting. The truth is I don't know which one is real.
I think this, as I recently did something very similar. The details are not too important right now. But when I did it, I did feel a break within me. As if I knew this was a long time coming. Something like an over-boiling pot. The lid was going to pop off sooner or later. But from this it has got me thinking about myself. Should I be letting go of more things sooner. Or is it, being nice to keep all of these thoughts and feelings inside.
For me my mental health journey has been so long, and when I feel like I have solved something, something new comes up. And I feel like this is one of those situations where the writing has been on the wall for such a long time, but I have just not done anything about it. I don’t know, maybe that's just an excuse I’ve been telling myself. You know, that one thing inside you, that you have to tell yourself, why things are the way they are.
When I really do think about the state of things within my life, I feel like a lot of what I have been doing has been for the greater good. When I think now as I am in a somewhat good situation, it’s time for me to change what I thought was for the best. But what if that's not what's the best thing any more.
I think a lot about what I say to people and to my students especially. If you’re not happy about something, don't whine and moan about it, do something to make the situation better. And I feel like maybe I should be following my own advice. If something is making me that angry and unhappy, I feel like it’s time for me to do something about it to make it more positive. Which is why maybe I don’t need to burst out more. I question myself, I am constantly changing the situation to make it better for me. But I think I know deep down sometimes even when I do that, there still is a little bit of annoyance that I had to deal with, when it comes from the other person or people.
Maybe that’s it , maybe I am too flexible. Maybe i’m not selfish enough to really hold steady. Which I think is the truth. I think that a lot of time to avoid a long term headache for myself, I am the one who is willing to bend. When that 1% time comes, where I won’t budge, it has got to do with something I feel overwhelmingly serious about. Which is maybe why I’m thinking, I should go off more.
I don't know what is right, will you please tell me. Are you the kind of person who blows their top a lot? Or do you only do it when it's a very dire situation? Or do not do it at all? Let me know how you feel when you do it. Does it make you feel better? Because right now I felt like screaming and shouting, and letting it all out, really did help me this time.
Xo FabEs
