Smile (This Is Me)
Dear Friends,
For one of the last bits of telling people who I am, I’ve realized something people seem to have an issue with, and it’s me not smiling. The reason why people always say I should smile, because it makes me more approachable and friendly. I don't smile, because I can’t really it do it unless it feels natural. My natural look is all over the place, but I can and do smile when I am not forced.
From a young age a lot of people have said I have had a miserable looking face, which is kind of insulting to tell a child. I know some times I can have miserable look, but it is mainly because of life. now I am older, I am a depressive, and a lot of the time I don't feel like being around people, or a lot of the time I don't feel happy and that is the reason why I don't smile. I can smile and show people the pleasant side of me, a lot of the time I am not feeling pleasant.
What I have noticed when I do smile people notice me more, and a lot of people see it as a sign that I am in a good mood. Which I don’t mind showing people because I am proud of my happy moods as they seem rare. What does annoy me is when people tell me when I was smiling one day and not the next. This is my life I cannot be in a good mood every day, as things can change at moment’s notice.
I only like to smile when I feel like I have something happy to be about. Wither it is, enjoying a joke, spending time doing something I enjoy doing, or very present memory. I smile for me; I don't like to force myself to smile to make other people fell at ease. This is the way I am and lot of the time, I have to try to make myself feel happy, and that idea upsets me.
I feel a lot of people want me to smile to make them see I am doing okay. I know in the last few months I have been faking my joy and happiness to make people feel better. I know one way I have done that is smiling to make people feel more at ease and make them feel that nothing is bothering me. I don’t like that I do that. I do it because I don't want people to worry about me, and if people see me with a plastic smile on my face for a few minutes it makes people think my sadness has passed. When in truth I am once again masking things for other people.
That is why now I am only going to smile for me, and when I feel happy. If you know me and you see me looking sad, depressed, tired or whatever. Don’t tell me to cheer up, a lot of the time I am cheery, but not so much I want to show it. I am happy just in my own way, and I don't need to show it like everyone else. I smile when I feel like it, and sometimes I don't even notice it. I allow it happen naturally, that is the way I enjoy it.
The take away from this is, if I’m not smiling it doesn't mean I am not happy, it can also mean I happy. I just let my face smile when I feel so much joy, and it just a natural reaction. But never force me to do something I don't want to do; I will do things my way, which includes smiling.
Xo FabEs
