Talk To Me (Take 2)
Dear friends,
Welcome to Take 2! Where I have now written so many blogs over the course of fifteen years, it’s time I look back at some the topics I’ve covered and take another look at them. Let’s take a look at something I’ve said before, and see if I’ve changed or my opinion has.
I decided to look at this particular post again, at the time when I was thinking about all the things I have done, I thought this one would have been a post that would have shown a dramatic changed between then and now. However, in the time I came up with the concept and then came to writing, how things have changed.
Back in 2020 when we were all locked at home, I made it a point to check in with everyone once a week. On a Sunday afternoon I would send a message and see how people are doing. Or course this went down well. As many took a chance to tell me how they were doing mentally, and I go and listen and be supportive. After the lockdowns ended I still continued these on for some time. To the point where people were expecting it, and if I got busy and hadn’t done messaging by the evening I would then be getting messages from people asking how I was doing. Which all sounds nice doesnt it?
However, over the last few months or so things have started to change. I’m still doing the check in’s but a lot of people have stopped reply to me. Sometimes for days, or even a week. I know people are busy, and have things going on, but it’s still nice to get something back. Especially when it’s something that has been going on for years at this point. It’s not like it’s out of the blue. It’s very much an established thing. Then why are people taking the time to reply and let me know how they are?
A part of me thinks it’s got to do with people having nothing to say. Which of course is fine, but still having nothing new to stay and being quite steady is nice. Some might not see it that way, but I’m fine is good. Or some might think what they have to say is nothing I want to hear about. I dont know, because if we are friends, if something is going on that is affecting you, then I would want to hear about it. Then I think maybe they think I’m going to make it about me. Most the time I don’t, I use it as a time to be honest. And some times being honest might sound worrying but, it’s better to be honest with people so they know what is going on, rather than having to hear I’m constantly fine, till something bad happens. Then we don’t have to use phrases like, I didn’t see it coming. The thing is I dont know, and will never know.
A part of me thinks, so people thing because they haven’t said anything for a while, that it just make things awkward. Personally I don’t care how long it takes for you to reply. I’d rather get a reply then not hear anything for a god knows how long. I don’t know if this is true, but it’s just a theory.
I have learned though my extensive self-improvement, I can’t make excuses for other people. I can speculate sure, but I shouldn’t be making excuses for them. By which I mean, excusing someone’s lack of response because, I know they might be busy with work, kids and family. I shouldn’t have to accept that, nor should anyone else. If these are actually reasons why these kind of things are happening, there should be a communication to say so. I should not assume everyone just knows what is going on, because we should know. If you haven’t told anyone how could they know. Same if someone was to say, well you didn’t ask. I did every week, so why not say something?
Another thing I have learned is learning peoples preferred form of communication. As a person who minds has so many voices, and noises going on in my head. I will use any form necessary to talk to someone about what ever might be cause me distress. It could be a text, e-mail, phone call, or face to face. I don’t mind, but I do know what is easier. A message that can be sent any time of day, and replied to in your own time. Hence why I do it, because is something that can be left and gotten back to at another point in time. Not a mediate response.
I have also learned I should be a little bit open about my own personal communication expectations. Which I think is something we should all be doing, to make sure we are not making people feel upset, or anxious. Which is why I know I have said something in the past of, when I send a message I don’t expect an instant reply. If it’s something I need, an instant reply, I would pick up the phone. I feel like a message can have upwards to an 24 hours in which you get a reply. Anything after that is rude without an explanation. Anything more urgent there are more convenient ways to do so. While my other only expectation is honesty, and realise who you’re talking to.
As you do know, I do suffer from being alone. One of the ways I used to deal with that back in the old days, was shooting off a good dozen messages on MSN for someone to talk to. As time has gone it has changed, and now things like that aren’t as simple. Which is why, when the small number of people who know me, choose to ignore me for a long period does help the situation. It does things to my head, maybe to others who aren't willing to be as vocal about it. The truth of the matter is, I know other people might be going through something as well, but you need to be able to talk to people about it. Otherwise keep it to yourself isnt going to help.
Which is why I talk about truth. When I ask people how they are doing? I am not asking for small talk reasons, I am asking because I am asking. How are you doing? Do I have to add a “really” in there? If we have known each other for a very long time, most of these going over 10 years at this point, you should know that. If you say you’re fine when you’re not fine, why aren’t you tell me that? I am not asking to judge you, or to fix you’re problem. I am asking you to because I know from personal experience, and general experience. The minute you tell someone about your problem the easier to becomes less of a burden. Which is one the man reason why I do this, it helps a little.
Which is why I think a lot of people forget who they are talking to. I know a lot of people dont like to hear about negative things, or what is keeping a person down. Or someone once said to me, I didn’t want to tell you, because I didnt want to upset you. It wouldn’t upset me, it would make me feel a little more closer to you because of the truth. I learned not to long ago not to fix people problems without being asked. The truth is, no matter how messed up or how dark something might be I’d still want to hear it. I know some want to keep things light and fluffy. I know that’s their choice, but for me that’s not how I roll. Give me the shitty truth, not because misery loves company, because the world is a shitty place and not everything can be sunshine or a joke. Just because something can be persevered as negative, doesn’t meant it has to be a negative experience.
When I last wrote about this topic, I was writing more about a bunch of people who didn’t really give a shit if I lived or died. Since then I have grown to know these people are people who only care about themselves, and what they can get from me. Not actually people who actually care about my wellbeing. The kind of people who’d say let’s catch up soon, and not really mean it, and I get why now. Those of the kind of people who would want to make up excuses and reasons why they won’t do a thing rather than be honest with me. Which is why it saddens me greatly when now it’s people I hold in such high regard, and have said if you’re having issues tell me. Are they ones I’m having problems with, talking to.
Xo FabEs
