Chapter One: Radar

DESMOND

A very interesting thought crossed my mind, how could you date someone who looked almost like your twin? I pondered this thought as I looked over the patrons of Rupert Street Bar that evening. It wasn’t like this kind of thing was only happening here, it was every bar I went to. It happened a lot with same sex couples I saw; it was always the same thing. People dating other people who looked like them. Same body type, same hair style, same race. Was it people’s own narcissism that made them do this? Or was it people sticking to their own kind? I didn’t get it. I couldn’t date someone like myself, it wouldn’t last long.  Looking at variant of myself wouldn’t be as pleasing, also knowing the many things I am, and having to put up with them long term, isn’t something I could deal with.

‘Have you ever dated someone who looks like you?’ I asked, sharing my thought with Cassidy who I was trying to have a post work drink with.

‘No,’ said Cassidy simply, still trying to get the attention of the bar tender.

‘I’m glad,’ I said, still scanning the crowd. ‘If you do, I know it’s my bring this up, which has made it happen.’

‘That will never happen,’ Cassidy declared, after placing finally placing the drinks order with the bar tender. ‘My look takes little effort, someone else who looked like me would having to do a thousand things to look this good.’

I take a glance at Cassidy and take him in for a moment. I see him so often I hardly ever really look at him properly anymore. He isn’t new to me; I’ve known him too long. However, as I do look him, I agree with his statement he is a natural beauty. I am of course privy of his lifestyle, and it is a very effortless one. His looks are natural and easy. I should know that, but it’s easy to forget. I should be reminded by the thousands of likes and thirsty messages on his social media, further back this idea. His short effortless blond, brown hair was brushed back, and he had hazels coloured eyes. His face was classically handsome. Even thought he had a low cut styled bearded.

‘You never know, there might be someone else who’s looks, attitude and style matches yours. For them it might also be effortless, or even less so,’ I said, playing devil’s Advocate.

‘Nah,’ said Cassidy, taking a sip from his long island iced tea. ‘I don’t get turned on look at myself. I jerked off in front of a mirror once, it was weird.’

‘Agreed, and maybe a bit of an over share.’

‘I like being the fit doctor. Take that away what do I have? A couple of really hot guys, sure, but if I want to have sex with me, I’d make a highly detailed sex doll.’

‘You right Cassidy,’ I said, ‘not about the doll thing, but you’d just be a guy.’

‘Maybe then I’d be like everyone else. Normal.’

I knew exactly what he meant, even though Dr Todd Cassidy was a very attractive man, and had many men try and get his attention. He didn’t like hook ups and sleeping around. Which was something he and I shared, and I was a little jealous at the same time. Before I could unpack why, I noticed someone that took away my attention.

A man walked into the bar. He was tall, had dark brown hair and had a little stubble on his face. He was alone as he walked in and made his way straight to the empty table near the door he entered. Where he took off his suit jack revealing a very clean white shirt and then he sat down. Took out his phone typed something quickly, then put his phone away and then pulled out a book from his jacket and started reading.

‘Hey Cass, did you see that guy walk in?’ I asked.

‘Which one?’ asked Cassidy, as we were both leaning against the bar facing the bars clientele.

‘The one…’ I start, trying to think of a discreet way to point him out. ‘Over there, reading.’ I finish with a slight head jerk towards the man.

‘Hmm, he is cute.’

‘Right!’

‘Go talk to him,’ said Cassidy, as casually as anything.  

‘Yeah right! What would I say?’

‘’Sup?’

‘That may work for you, but not me,’ I said, imagining how it would play out.  ‘Not even online does that work for me.’

‘You don’t have to use my exact words. Take some creative licence.’

‘You want me to go over there, and say words at this guy, like were in the last century or something.’

‘You could, or you could go online and try to find him that way.’

‘That’s a point,’ I said, reaching into my pocket to get my phone.

‘No,’ said Cassidy, smacking my arm. ‘We’re in a gay bar, where people used to come to meet other queer people. I know you like your tech but go twentieth century for this one.’

‘What if he’s here to meet his boyfriend, or boyfriends!’

‘Whatever! At least you said hello.’

‘Okay, I say hello then what?’

‘He’s reading a book, try starting there.’

‘Okay,’ I said, slowly, ‘Okay. Okay.’ I walked away from the bar and walked towards the man. I felt so nervous, but I know I was doing something I could be proud of; I was approaching someone in a bar. I’ve never done this before. Sure, I look at the men and thought there could be something, but I had never been compelled to approach someone. Or had someone talk me into it so easily. This was going to mean something, even if it went badly.

WESAM

I have always been amazed how surprising easy it is for me to zone out the noise when I was reading. It had become a skill of mine for a very long time, one in which I don’t remember when it started. It was perfect for this environment as I hated being early and waiting for people. What was worse I knew Saanah would be late, as she was always late. Which is why zoning out in a bar was easy, as most people always kept to their friends or phones.

‘Hello!’ said someone quite loudly, to bring me out of my trance.

I looked up from the book to see a handsome man standing in front of me, not Saanah. He didn’t seem that tall, but he was tall enough. His skin was a medium almond colour and had dark and short curly black hair. He had a wide noise and slightly big ears. He was wearing an oversized grey jumper, that looked really worn out. But as he smiled, I looked into his brown eyes and I was very, pleased for the distraction.

‘Hi,’ I said, not closing my book yet.

‘Hello,’ said the guy again, then there was a long pause. ‘Hello, I’m Desmond that’s how that should go.’

‘Nice to meet you,’ I said, feeling it sounded a little bit too generic. ‘I’m Wesam nice to meet you.’

‘I hope I’m not disturbing you.’

He was, but it wasn’t a disturbance I minded.

‘Not really I’m just waiting for someone.’

‘Oh right,’ said Desmond, nodding very slowly. ‘Your boyfriend?’ he said eventually.

‘Ahh no, just my cousin but she’s always late.’

‘She… okay.’

I wasn’t sure where this conversation was going, or if I should keep it going. Deciding I wanted to continue, I asked, ‘You here with anyone?’

‘Yeah, my friend… he’s over by the bar.’ I looked passed the man in front of me to see a couple men by the bar, which didn’t help identify the man Desmond was supposedly with. ‘He’s the one with the light brown blond-ish hair.’ Knowing who I was looking for, I spotted him right away, in his light blue shirt and dark tie. I couldn’t help but notice how striking his friend looked. He was tall, looked quite fit, toned and generally he looked well put together. I wondered why this stranger was in front of me instead of on a sofa with his friend. Between the two of us, I knew who he would choose, and it wasn’t me. 

‘Wow he’s,’ I said, not sure how to finish my sentence. ‘Quite something.’

‘That’s the reaction most people have toward Cassidy,’ said Desmond, ‘we’ve been friends for long, I don’t even notice it anymore.’

‘Really?’ I asked, unsure how someone would not nice a man like that, every time he saw them.

‘Yeah er… so what are you reading?’

‘Oh,’ I said, switching my mind to something else. ‘It’s a… book about these two men in Poland, I’m quite enjoy it.’

‘I… must give it a go sometime.’

‘I would, because’ I said, but I could stop myself, before I went on a rant as to why I liked this book I didn’t know if the guy in front of me did a lot of reading, but I continued none the less. ‘I like it.’ I finished deciding not going on anymore. ‘I would lend it to you when I’m done, but I promised it to my boss first.’

‘Sure,’ said Desmond, looking at his shoes.

‘Do you read a lot?’ I asked, trying to get the conversation on normal footing.

‘I can’t say that I do.’

There it was another person who didn’t read. It was times like this which made me feel like I was born in the wrong era.

‘But I do like movies though,’ said Desmond, trying to get back the conversation. ‘I don’t do a lot of reading. But if I’ve seen a lot of movies based on a book, What I like to do is see what’s the difference and see what’s better. You know once I’ve read the book.’

‘I’m quite biased and I’m going to say book.’

‘I’d agree with you most of the time, but sometimes the film fixes plot holes and add new ideas. That’s If the producers haven’t decided to just not use the novels story at all and, take the parts they liked.’

‘Can you think of anything specific?’ I asked, curious to hear his answer.

‘If you look at Bond, some great and not so great films, that started with a novel and a lot of the good things were taken but not everything fully adapted. But Lord of the Rings kind fixed a lot of the issue with what was going on and where.”

As Desmond spoke, I got the sense he knew what he was talking about. This wasn’t like when he first approached, he now had something to say and something he contribute too, which made him very interesting.

‘Well, I’m going to say something that might upset you,’ I said, when Desmond had finished talking. ‘I haven’t actually seen a James Bond movie’

‘Wait what?’ Desmond exclaimed.

‘I might have seen one when it was on TV or something but it’s not something I really remember. Also isn’t really for straight guys.’

‘Maybe it’s a hangover from my straight days, but some of them are really good, some a really cheesy, but I think we should watch one. Well not one, we kind might have to watch maybe five. If we want to get modern, or maybe two if we want to go not so modern.’

‘Well, err I don’t know about five.’

‘He’s what we’ll do,’ said Desmond sounding full confidence now. ‘We’ll watch a modern one based on a book and see how you feel. And I can give you the book beforehand so you can see what you in for.’

I wasn’t sure if I was being asked out, but one thing was clear to me, I liked the plan being made.

‘Sounds like a plan, I guess,’ I said, with smile.

‘Cool.’

‘Cool.’

DESMOND

I was unsure what to do now. We had made a plan, but how would we go about executing the plan. Or was this guy just humouring me? As it was an easy thing to do in a bar, and in modern life. I then realised there had been a few moments silence, and before it became weird, I needed to say something. I just didn’t know what.

‘Why don’t you take my card,’ said Wesam, reaching into his jacket pocket.

Take his card, I thought, who was this guy? Why did have a card? Was he a big shot that he didn’t know about? If he was, he was oddly polite about it.

Wesam handed me his card,

Wesam Ali

Production and Editorial Assistant

Clueless Publishing

I turned it over and saw his email and phone number.

‘You work in publishing,’ I said, after a moment.

‘Yeah, nothing big,’ said Wesam, ‘but it’s what I wanted to do.’

A lot what I had noticed about Wesam fell in place. He was a book guy. That’s why he was reading a book, why he had asked if I read. Wesam read all the time, and it was part of his job. I couldn’t help but now feel somewhat intellectually inferior to the man in front of me. He was this well-read gentleman, and I was going on about “trashy” action moves.

‘Sorry to interrupt,’ came a female voice, to knock me back to reality. I looked up and saw a small and curvy woman, with a short black cut just under her chin. she wore a white blouse with large silver buttons, with a short leather jacket over it. Her lips were the colour of rose wine.

‘Just a little,’ said Wesam, to the woman. ‘Saanah this is Desmond, he’s going to show me some movies some time. Hopefully.’

‘Nice to meet you,’ she said. ‘I can go get a drink if you guys want to carry on.’

‘No, its fine,’ I said, a little too quickly. ‘I better get back to my friend, he must be getting bored being alone.’

‘If you point him out, we can chat if you guys want to talk some more.’

‘No, its fine,’ I said again, this time at an appropriate speed. ‘I’ve got Wesam’s number, and I’ll be in touch later.’

‘Cool,’ said Wesam, ‘I’ll speak to you later then.’

‘Later,’ I said, smiling at the two of them, and heading back to Cassidy. ‘Okay we’ve got to leave.’ I said when I reached back to bar.

‘Why?’ asked Cassidy.

‘I got his card, his cousin is here, and I don’t want to know if they are going to laugh about me.’

‘Why would they laugh about you?’

‘Because he’s a book guy and I’m… not.’

‘Okay,’ said Cassidy, finishing his drink.

I quickly downed my drink, picked up my bag and left the bar without looking in Wesam’s direction. We walked down the alley behind the bar and waited for a moment. Now we were out of the way, it was safe to think about what just happened. I couldn’t help but think about my own life and what it was. I was a causal looking guy, who did things with his hands. While Wesam was an educated, man who wore nice suits and worked within publishing. It was a clash in lifestyles and personalities. I didn’t know why I was even being humoured.

‘Where do you want to eat?’ asked Cassidy, after a couple minutes.

‘I don’t mind,’ I said.

We walked the streets of Soho till we found somewhere for us to have dinner. While we had dinner Cassidy never asked me what I was thinking. I appreciated this, as I knew Cassidy was giving me time to process. Which I was more than grateful for, as I didn’t know what I was thinking. It wasn’t logical thinking. Why was I writing off a guy because of what he did and what I had perceived him to be? For all I knew, he could turn out to be an ass hole deep down. I needed to find out if that was true and give him a chance.

‘I freaked out a little,’ I said, while we were walking up to Leicester Square station.

‘Maybe,’ said Cassidy.

‘I’m going to give him a text later.’

‘Sounds good.’

‘You could sound excited for me.’

‘I will when you actually said a message.’

‘Fine,’ I said, not sure if Cassidy was baiting me or not. I made a decision. I took out my phone ready to send a message to Wesam with Cassidy watching me. Before I could find the card or send the message, I felt my phone being yanked out of my hand. As someone on an electric scooter had taken my phone and was zooming their way down the street.

WESAM

‘Did you just meet that guy?’ Saanah asked, taking a seat opposite me.

‘Yeah,’ I said, ‘he just came over asked what I was reading, and it seemed err… kinda cute actually.’

‘That is cute.’

I noticed that Desmond and his friend had just rushed out of the Bar. What happened?

‘They just left,’ I announced.

‘Really?’ said Saanah, looking behind her. ‘Ahh well he’s got your card, so you’ve just got to wait.’

‘I really should have got his number.’

‘Hey ho, he has your number he’ll call. You’re cute, he’s cute, it will happen.’

‘You didn’t see his friend though.’

‘Oh yeah, what’s up with his friend?’

‘He was a nine out of ten.’

‘And you’re a ten out of ten, what’s your point?’

Saanah defiantly knew what my point was, she was just trying to be supportive about it. Which normally would have been helpful, but seeing as she didn’t see the friend, it wasn’t right now.

‘Never mind,’ I said, shutting down the discussion. ‘What did you want to see me about?’

‘I wanted to tell you,’ Saanah started, ‘Lyn and I are engaged.’

I was in a stunned silence; my cousin and her girlfriend were now engaged. Which made sense as they had been together for God knows how long now. It was just the next logical step.

‘Wow,’ I forced out, ‘I’m so happy for you.’

‘You’re not, but thanks any way.’

‘No, I am. It’s just kinda thrown me, even though you have been together forever. But I am glad for you.’

‘Thanks for being honest,’ said Saanah, ‘but the real reason why I wanted to see you is, of course I have to tell the parents, and I wondered if you would come with me for moral support.’

I looked at Saanah and exhaled. For as long as we had been out, we had always been supportive of each other. Being gay and being lesbian wasn’t something both our parents didn’t take to too easy. Which is why we were always each other’s support when We had to do family things. As it was always easier to have someone who understood. That’s why I was there when the family met Lyn. I hadn’t need Saanah yet, but every now and then wondered when I would.

‘Of course,’ I said, after moment.

‘Great, I’ve told them I’m coming down on Saturday afternoon.’

‘I’ll put it on my calendar.’

‘Do you think they will be happy with it?’ asked Saanah.

‘I like to think they would be deep down. We haven’t been disowned yet.’

‘This might be a bridge too far.’

 ‘We can handle it,’ I said, grabbing my cousins’ hand.

On my way home I thought more about telling my family about my dating situation. I thought about having a little family dinner where I would be introducing them to my boyfriend. How it would be super awkward for the afternoon, but then it would be done. After that, every time I would speak to my mum, she would ask how he is doing, not really caring but keeping up the appearance. Then I thought about telling my parents we were getting married. I toyed with the idea that my mum would be super happy I was getting married and was glad I had met someone I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. In reality, I knew she would be shocked, and would never tell her friends I was getting married, or I was even married.

By the time I got home I was proud to have the distraction. As thinking about my family was better than thinking about wither or not Desmond would text, call, or email. Why did I have to worry about three methods of contact. I spoke briefly to my flatmate about Saanah’s engagement but decided to leave out the handing out of my business card.

As I stripped to my underwear for bed, I looked at my phone, and saw I had no message of any kind. When I got into bed just before midnight, I wondered why he hadn’t sent a message. As I thought about it, Desmond approached me, not the other way round. If I had been the one who had pushed, I would have understood why the no contact.

I tried to recall as much as the interaction between the two of us and tried to spot any red flags. Besides our awkward start to the conversation went fine. Then I thought about Saanah turning up just as we were exchanging details. I wondered if her turning up had embarrassed him or ruined his discretion. I didn’t know. I wished I could have been more forward about being interested, because I was just, I didn’t like showing it after last time.

DESMOND

I had shut down his phone before I got on the tube and said goodbye to Cassidy. When I did get home, I looked through my draws looking for an old phone I could use to message Wesam with. As I looked through my old phones, I saw that many had damaged screens. One had a bloated battery, and one wouldn’t even switch on.

After cursing the thieves that took my phone, I went to my laptop and decided to send an email to Wesam instead. Since I couldn’t text him, this was the next best thing I could do. We could exchange message to each other via email till I could get a phone.

I didn’t think too hard about what I wanted to say in the message. I wanted to keep it short and sweet. You know light and breezy.

Hi Wesam,

It’s Desmond from the bar earlier, I wanted to send you a text or something, but I have some phone issues. I hope you had a nice evening with your cousin. Let’s get meet up soon.

Desmond.

I didn’t look at the message a second time. If there were mistakes, I would just live with it. I knew if I investigated too much it would spiral into something that was too perfect. This sounded light and breeze and its nice way to start a back and forth.

The next day during my lunch break I went and sorted myself a new sim as Cassidy was going to give me his current phone as he was due an upgrade. Which I didn’t believe, but I was grateful not to have the expense. The one thing I was looking forward to that day was a message from Wesam.

I checked my email all day to see if anything had been returned. Besides the standard email, I had nothing. It was weird not having a phone, but normally I would have waited for it to vibrate to tell me I had a message. I had to do everything manually. Which was a bit better than waiting around for my phone to pop.

When I briefly met Cassidy that evening, I still hadn’t heard anything. Which was sad, but when I told Cassidy what I done, he had pointed a few things I had overlooked. One, I didn’t check to make sure I had put the right email address, two Wesam could be a in similar situation, three, most likely my mail went to spam.

‘Lastly, you fix phones all day,’ said Cassidy, ‘Why didn’t you just pick up the phone and call him?’

I didn’t answer because it was something I didn’t think of. Why didn’t I think of it, because I only every spoke to a few people over the phone, my mum and sister’s.

WESAM

I went about my day normally, even though I kept on thinking why hadn’t Desmond messaged yet? It was even harder to concentrate on the book now, as it was the thing that got us on each other’s Radar. Then I had a thought, was this just a thing he was doing? Stringing out not messaging, to keep me guessing? One of those old school sleazy tactics, don’t seem too keen, because it seems desperate. Maybe Desmond was one of those guys. I hoped he wasn’t one of those guys, but I didn’t know Desmond at all, so he might be one of those guys.

It would be typical to attract another one those guys, I thought. What happened to the nice guys, or not even the nice guys, the genuine guys? I also thought. It’s just a weird situation.

To try and get a better idea of the situation, I thought if I was the one who approached another guy. If I had walked up to guy asked him what he was reading, talk to him about books the way Desmond talked about movies would it be different? Offered to show the guy a something he had never experienced. Then had gotten his number, and then did nothing with it. That would be just nonsensical. Then I had another thought.

Desmond could have approached me to try and go home with me that evening. Why else would you offer to show a guy a movie? To get him into your house, then seduce him and before you know it, you’re having sex. Yeah, that was it. Saanah showing up had put a stop to that. It wasn’t worth the effort to try and stretch it out. Desmond was interested in that moment, and then it passed. Which is why he and his friend had run out so quickly, on to the next one. That had to be it.

I needed to know if my theory had merit. I walked over to my bosses’ desk. He was an early fifties man with a slim body and bald head, who had done a lot of his dating in the nineties.

‘Sam, can I ask you something?’ I asked, while standing next to his desk.

‘Sure,’ said Sam, turning away from his screen.

‘When you used to go to the bars, did you ever just take guys home?’

‘Yeah, all the time,’ said Sam, in laugh. ‘How did you think I met Nathan?’

There it was, Desmond was looking to go home with me, and since he didn’t, he had given up. I gave up the dream of the two of us every speaking or meeting again. Why would someone want me when there were much more interesting and attractive men around?

DESMOND

After getting home and realising how much of a bone head I had been, I decided I wasn’t going to let this drop, not yet. As I had done so many times in the past. I had let other people make the decisions for me, and just gone along with it. It was time to change my behaviour. I liked Wesam from the moment I had seen him. I had approached him with very little coaching. We had talked about setting up an almost date. Everything was there to line up perfectly. I would take a chance and be more forward than I had been with anyone in the past and see where it got me. If I didn’t do anything, where would they get me? Being alone like I was now, and how I had felt then.

It was now time for me to channel my inner Cassidy, try something and see what happens. There was something about Wesam that I couldn’t put my finger on. It was just one of those feelings I had. Which was a more positive feeling than I had had previously. Why not try a get back into dating, it might not go badly at all.

I picked up the business card and dialled the number on back and waited with my heartbeat loudly in my ears.

WESAM

After putting the whole situation to bed with Desmond, I was able to enjoy the book again. Which is why I decided to spend my evening reading and having a large New York cheesecake for dinner. Which is why I didn’t expect my phone to be ringing, from a number not in my phone.

‘Hello,’ I said, tentatively.

‘Err… hello is this Wesam?’ said the voice.

‘Yes, this is Wesam who is this?’ I said slowly.

‘Ahh… hi this is Desmond.’

Desmond. Desmond! Why was he calling now?

‘Desmond from Rupert Street?’

‘Err yeah,’ said Desmond, sounding shy. ‘Erm, I thought to call you since I… err had my phone stolen last night.’

He had his phone stolen, what a likely story. There again this was London.

‘It really did happen I have a crime reference number and everything.’

‘Oh, okay,’ I said, unsure how to carry on. ‘How did you phone get stolen?’

‘Err, funny enough, I was about to send you a message and then it got snatched.’

I couldn’t believe it, was he being serious?

‘That’s umm, very unfortunate.’

‘Yeah, it was,’ said Desmond, sound disappointed. ‘Good thing I keep everything backup and now I’m back to having a working device.’

‘I can see that,’ I said, not fully convinced.

‘I also thought I would give you a call since you didn’t reply to my email. Not that I’m sure you even got it.’

Email! What email?

‘I never got an email,’ I said, quickly putting the call on speaker, and checking my inbox.

‘I figured,’ said Desmond, sounding further disappointed. ‘Cass said it’s most likely gone to your spam folder, and why would you look there?’

While still on speak I went to my spam folder, and there it was an email from Desmond Noland.

‘Who does indeed?’