I Luv U

Dear friends, 

Have you ever realised you were doing something different from people, and realised maybe I should do that? Well one of the things I noticed about myself a while ago was expressing my love for other people. Now I don’t mean romantic, I mean platonic and familial love. Something I realised people were expressing themselves all the time, and I wasn’t, so I had a great think about it. 

One of the things I noticed a lot with people I am friends with is, them saying ‘love you” when ending a phone call. I have never done that. Why, just the way I was brought up, I guess. I mean if it was never a part of your daily expression why would you use it? Which had me thinking, did I used to say it when I was younger, maybe, those memories are too faded to remember, but I think we must have right?

Now I don't want any of you thinking, OMG is he not loved? That's not what I am saying, I am just saying the expression of it is escaping my memory. My Mum, my Granddad and I don't remember them saying it, which I think is fine. Mainly because, I know they did and do, as there are a lot of things that happened to show this love rather than them saying it. I mean it's not like I said it to them, one I can't say any more. It makes sense I would think about the people I can say it too. 

I know you’re at this part and maybe you’re thinking, is this me? Or this isn’t me, and I don't think it's right to say which camp is right. It's not because people fear this type of gesture, it's just sometimes the way people interact. Possibly we never got told a lot of this by our parents, and now in adulthood we say to everyone that matters. Or maybe, you don’t want your child many years into adulthood wondering, did my mum/dad ever say they loved me? 

The reason why I am bringing this up is two fold, one like I said it and noticed some, and two it was something I had conversation with some of my older colleagues at work. It was mainly a conversation about the way the Caribbean people do things, and this is what led me to believe okay, maybe it's just the way “we” do things. If this is true, and I mean a big if, my question is why do I not break the cycle and make it better? 

Well not too long ago, I was wondering if I have some form of autism. This was mainly due to my exposure to autistic people on the daily, and a lot of them seem “normal” to me. I did a little diagnosis and I was disappointed, as it would explain so much, but now I am just regularly neurodivergent. When it came to the issue at hand, it made me wonder if that could be an issue, but nope! It just turns out that maybe I need to break the chain and just go on. 

Of course, the big question is why? Why change something that is broken. Well in this instance I think it's one of those things that people assume or are not sure about. I mean sure how many times have you got love XX in a card, but how many times have people said it out loud? While I also think about mental health wise, it's nice for someone to actually say it to you, to make sure you know at least one person cares. Maybe that's selfish of me, but I think it’s a smart and encouraging way to support someone. 

When I think about my actions, I think I do a lot of the actions for love, and I'd like to think the people who notice (and are aware now) I do a lot of that stuff for you, because I do care and love you. I won’t give an example, but I'd like you to think about it. 

As for what I am going to do, I am going to try to say it more. Not in texts, not in cars, outloud. I think that will help me normalise its expression. While I know it's not something I can just throw out there, otherwise it loses its meaning. I’ll get used to it sparingly to show the appreciation I have for people. Then maybe in a year or two the saying of it won’t be awkward, make me feel weird, or be an alien concept.

A lot of the time I feel like I am a person who doesn't know what to say, in a group of people. I have now realised when i’m around my people who I feel comfortable around and love spending time with, I know what to say. Which is why it has led me to know, I do love people, and with the people I love I can just be me, no matter how weird it seems. So wish me luck, as I get used to saying the words, I Love You!

Xo FabEs