Spicy
Dear friends,
Sometimes do you think you're very normal when it comes to sex? Have you ever realised you do in fact like a few things that some would even dream about doing? Reading very detailed romance novels, a bit of dress up and role play, or maybe simply enjoying that one thing someone could wear? Well my friends, welcome to the spicy club, and maybe like me, you might be a little bit too spicy for some.
If you haven’t read my post about spice your life, this is what I was alluding too in. I am going to talk about that little thing everyone always worries about when they have been in a long term relationship, whether or not their sex life has gotten boring. People do a variety of things to try and change it up. Sometimes this works, sometimes it doesn't, but in my experience, the reason why it doesn’t work is always clearer.
One of the reasons this post came about was, chatting to a guy as I do, he asked me what kind of things I liked. I of course didn't go into great detail about it. I mentioned a few things I like, nothing you don't already know, and he came back with, "I think I’m too vanilla for you.” Which as statements like these normally goes, got me thinking, what did he mean by that?
If you know anything about me, you know I am one of those big thinkers, it’s just something I do passively. It’s a background action, I could be doing something, and then my mind just clicks, and then I get all the important questions, and this was one of those times. Sadly, though when I asked the question I didn’t get a reply to it. It was nearly ignored, and when I asked a follow up to get a clarification, they claimed to not know what I was talking about. So I left that tread there, as it told me all I needed to know.
The question in question was simply, “if you’re too vanilla for me, then why haven't you blocked me? Could it be, you’re intrigued by what I’m saying?” There was a bit more but that was the jist of the question. With my history with men like these, the answer usually is yes; they are too scared to admit it. The why is pretty easy to figure out. You know, the usual suspects of, guild, shame and closet behavior. They don't want to be a “them”. They want to be a “good gay.” You know the highly polished one, that can pass as the heterosexual male. Not the cock sucking, taking it up the arse F****t they truly are. Which is so sad. At the time of writing, it was Pride in London and the amount of the people who judge or laughed at the leathers and other kink proud people at pride was sad. When in reality I admire these people, as they are willing to put themselves out there with their kinks, and know a large majority of people are going to have a negative reaction to it. However, as I know many of these types of people, they don’t care what others think, and the most powerful thing ever.
This is where I fall in, I don't really care what people think about me and my sexuality. Mainly because some people who claim to be interested in me, actually aren’t. I mentioned something like, I’d like to do a James Bond role play, and it's like “HaHa.” I always think why is that funny? You asked, so I'm telling you. If you told me you like to dress up as Princess Leia, I would say, “it’s not for me,” but I wouldn’t belittle you for it. There is a difference between understanding and judgement, and you saying that, “ha, ha” or “lol” is the one of the many ways that can make a person feel ashamed of what they like.
I bring this all up, as I realised not too long ago, it has now been over 20 years since I accepted that I liked men sexually (more on that later). Which is such a long time. In this time I have realised, I have tried, and done a lot with men, simply because I was willing to try other people fetish or kink. Has a lot of it stuck, no, but I can understand why certain people might be into a thing. What’s sad is the amount of people who have so many presumptions about being honest about what they like. I don’t mean strangers on the internet. I mean people I know in person. I know why they don't want to tell me, it's all part of the vulnerability. If I know and I judge them or say something negative about it, it’s going to put our relationship in a different light. Which I get, but I wish people would open more.
I get it though, don't get me wrong. Not too long ago I got talking to someone who claimed to be a therapist, and when I said the sexual things I was into - the basics mind you - he judged me severely for it. This person claims to be a medical professional, and yet he thought he had the right to make me feel bad becuase I liked to do a certain thing, (watching each other BTW), but refused to go home late to fuck him. I’d hate to be someone under his care, because that is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.
I mean if we want to get really kinky, the best kink I have is apparently not sending dick or nudes to people. Some people don’t understand how I can hook up without those kinds of pics, and once again am I looking to hook up? Suddenly because I don't think that I’m weird, or sometimes it can be, how can you be into, group, watching or public if you’re not doing it with strangers? Well the less simple minded people, they get some of this stuff can be arranged with people who actually like each other, and not just looking to get off. Sometimes things just happen, but most of the time everything is careful planning.
What I am going to do, I am going to do something that I have been doing for such a long time I don't know where it started (but explains my career choices), I am going to continue to push people to be more open about their sexual choice and not with me, I mean with people they are seeing or friends they know. The amount of times I’ve spoken to closed men or married (too many) and I've asked, have you ever asked your partner to do this? The amount of times I’ve heard yes, is such a low percentage. Which leads to obvious lies and cheating. A little more openness and open minds would go a long way.
One thing I have been aware of for a long time, but never really didn’t know how deep the “baiting” community is. I knew things, but now I know so much more. Like the encouragement, the jerk off parties and the fact there is a large crossover with hetro and homo men. It was quite a thing to find out. While also finding out some of these men call themselves solo sexuals. A real thing for me to find out. Not to mention, the feeders and admires which would have been good to know about when I was larger.
If you are reading this and realise, oh shit I have judged someone, think twice before you do. Or maybe you feel like that need to be a sub is something you have resisted, give it a go. Or maybe have that conversation about what you might like to happen. You know, keep it all hypothetical and see where that conversation might lead. Of course if you want to keep it private keep it private. However, don’t not get embarrassed if you happen to see me at the next bear and twink night. Keep it spicy y’all, but just don’t research it at work.
Xo FabEs.
