I'm Coming Out (2 Y.0.)

Dear Friends,

Time flies when you’re having fun! The many ways I’ve had fun include; pride parades, making out with guys and making straight people very uncomfortable. 20 years ago I officially became an adult, as an adult I decided to show the world who I am, sort of.

One of the things I get asked the most when I meet people who have never met me, and or, just having normal conversation with other queer people is, since when did you know? For me I knew for a long time. Some people are shocked to know I was about 7. I knew I was different , did I know what it was? Of course not, but I just knew it was different. Eventually as a I got older I realised something was definitely “wrong”. As one does, you don't know how to process it, so it leads to internal denial, and you to do things that are exactly safe. You know, talking to strange men on the internet, who were mostly in another country. Having internet boyfriends, with people who had real life girlfriends. It was a very strange time. 

I think one of the biggest things I had (and many still do) is the shame. When I think about the time when I was about 12-14, there was a large time when I thought I was doing something that people like me did not do. Whether that was being black, being a catholic (of all things) or generally people from where I grew up. I didn't know anyone like me, and the ones I did know didn't look like me. However, like a lot of things I do, I decided why I can’t I be one of them who started a new trend. Hence, why I am the way I am today. 

Some people who have known me in the last ten years or so, may not know this about myself. When I did come out 20 years ago, it wasn’t as a gay man, it was a bi one. Now I know the old cliche, no one is truly bi. I do not like this rhetoric, for one simple reason, I was, now I’m not. The reason why I am not is it is a very confusing time when you are trying to process everything, you don't know which way is up. Which is why, when it came to women, I was sexually attracted to them, but having relations in that way was very confusing. This is why today, it is still very much still the same. I know when a woman is sexy and any other adjective you want to use. However, do I want to have sex with her? Most likely no (never say never), but you get the point. When it came to men though it was something different. 

I know when I officially became gay, that was about a year and half later. I was talking to a good online friend of mine, and he recently decided to do the same. When we spoke it was clear to me I was this now, Gay man! Which was weird to say at the time, but now I feel like the most natural thing I’ve ever said. The only thing I’ve never really told the people who I came out too the year or so before. I think some people figured it out, but a part of me still thinks that some people I’ve told still think that I am still bi. You never know, but all I know since then anytime I’ve disclosed myself I always say, GAY!
As I said me being gay is just so natural part of me, it weird that I feel so okay about it. I don’t mean that as a negative thing, I mean it's weird that 20 years ago (at time of writing) If I would have said I was so okay with being myself, I wouldn’t believe it. So much so that I've got older family relatives and friends asking me how the boyfriend is. Not knowing I’ve not had one for years, but it's nice of them to ask. Instead of saying I’m very single, it just allows them to think I’m living a very normal life. Which some people of the older generation never thought would, could or should happen.

In general though I am never hiding who I am. At work all my colleagues know what I am. I never hid it, but I do think wearing flags and other things was the give away. While also playing the pronoun games was a good indicator. We’re English teachers, if we can understand the implied meaning, we're in the wrong job. Sometimes I think some of the more intelligent of my students know, and I’m okay with that. As it allows some of them to be a safe space. While also feeling like I need to do more for pride and exposure at work. 

Being gay does have its a down sides of course. These down sides have mainly to do with other people, not myself. The discrimination is something I defiantly could do without. Wither that is sizest or racist behaviour. That is something I could definitely do without. As I've had over 25 years of dealing with this kind of thing, and it's only getting worse. I’ve just gone on to know these people have bigger issues, and there is nothing I can do to make them see what the real issue is. One day though something will kick in, and then we will see the error of their ways. I can only hope. I do not let these negative things get me down, it's just a part of life. Being a black gay man is certainly hard, but the upside is I have so many disadvantages, why not just have one more reason for discrimination. We’ll get there one day.

It’s not all downers thought. I truly do love who I am. It brings me so much joy when little gay thighs are loved by the masses, it tells me I am on the right team. As I am gay, I do love men, well some times (more coming soon.) I just can’t see myself as anything else really. Recently I saw people talking about if they had to come into another life, would they want to change anything? I used to think I would love to come back as straight. Now I don’t want to do that all. I want to come back as another gay man, because as much as many people want to tell me what I’m doing is wrong, it’s all so natural to me, and so many others. Which is why I am so glad, I never decided to keep myself as a closet case.

What am I going to do? Well, I am going to continue to be myself, a gay man. Even though I find men annoying, and a lot of the time. And I’m sick and tired of their bullshit. I still like men. I will continue to do so for as long as I live, and will do so without shame. While, I will encourage others to be their authentic selves, and being gay or any letter underneath our little rainbow isn’t a crime. While I continue to do my part as a black gay male, and be out, open and honest about it. Because I’m here I’m queer you’re used to it.

Xo FabEs