Superman

Dear Friends,

Dating is hard, no matter who you are. Trying to meet people in real life can always be difficult, whether you are chatting with people on apps, set ups or just finding a time to meet up. While some of you want to meet people because they are looking to be saved for singledom, and are willing to do anything to get rid of it. 

I like to think of myself as a dating veteran. I have been trying to meet and date men close to 25 years now, with very low success. With that experience comes knowledge, and with this knowledge I know what to look out for and what to avoid. It's just a shame most of the time I have to avoid people, because some people like to take things to the next level - not in a good way. Or people's attitudes and approaches are just straight up bizarre, that I never know what I should do. Of course, I do really, block, delete and hope they never get in contact again. 

Over the course of this time, I have heard so many stories from friends, gay, straight and everything in between. It’s weird that even though who and what we are into, we are having some of the same issues. This tells me, as a race of people we are struggling to find the same thing. Trying to follow rules that were made so long ago, that we have to try and live by them. When we do not follow them, we find ourselves in a very strange predicament. 

When it comes to dating, I have dated all different types of guys, mainly because I've learned I’ve got to be open to the opportunities. I have gone out with guys who are my type down to a tee. While I have gone on dates with people because they have had the courage to ask. A lot of these times things haven't worked out, but at least it has increased my dating EX bar. Which gives me great defence as against some issues.

As I said last time I am a black gay man, which is good and bad for various reasons. However, In gay world it's a direct line to people who think they can subject me to racial stereotypes and racial abuse. Then go on to think I am just going to accept it from a stranger. While some  people think that it’s okay to assume that people of colour all look the same. Others think as black men we should be standing together. I’m like, nah dude as I haven’t seen a picture of you, just your ass hole. How’s that for romance?

I find all of this upsetting of course. As many people feel they can say it's a preference and that's okay. I mean that both ways. Some people who love to tell me they, “only date black guys.” I do not need to know that, or the classic is that im exotic. I once had a guy who should be 60 now tell me he used to look at magazines of black people and jerk off to their dark skin. I kid you not. Was this ok? No! Did I block and never speak to this guy again? You bet you’re ass I did. It just took me a little longer to realise this wasn’t okay. I don't want to make it seem race is the only reason why I’m having issues. There are some more simple reasons too. 

As I am gay man, what does a classic gay relationship look like? Do you know? I don’t. I bet many of you had two thoughts, one it’s two guys who are just together, very herto-normative. Then some of you would see ( it became very frequent to me) an open-relationship. Where people are having activities that none knows about, or doing activities to pay the bills. A new one is polly, which I haven't seen much of IRL, but I know they exist. All of this of course leads to confusion. 

Which is where I don't know what is normal, and what is copying. Of course, I just make up my own rules. Why should I have to colour in the lines? I can take a little bit of column A, then B, maybe C and D. This is why it leads to complications with people. They have this idea of what a relationship should be. Either because it's something they have had before, or it's something they see someone else has and they want it too. I always think, just because something looks good and makes you want that, do you know what is going on behind closed doors?

Over the course of my dating experience, I’ve had many guys say things that dating will help to do a thing. Whether that's having less anonymous sex, get serious about their life choices, or even coming out. I’ve heard so many people tell me my life seems together (all smoke and mirrors btw) and if they get with me I can help them sort out theirs. As a kind person I would be more than willing to help out a person when they ask, but if you’re looking for someone to save your life and that is the sole purpose of getting in a relationship, I’m not the one. 

This is what made me think how often people have wanted me to be the thing that helps them. Not thinking of me as a person. Just a way to help them fit in and feel normal. I have once or twice joked about having someone to take to family functions, but that isn’t my sole purpose for wanting to date someone, nor is it the purpose of this going to make my life happy. If you are miserable when you are single, being with someone isn’t going to make you happier. At first it might, but when you get into the nitty gritty, what do you think is going to happen then? Is that relationship, the good and bad, going to solve all your problems? Most likely not. Unless that person you get is going to fix all the problems you have. 

The problem I have is that a lot of people want what they want with no compromise. It’s not a negotiation, it's all or nothing with most people. It has to be my way, and that's it. Without their way, a date let alone a relationship isn’t going to happen. Something as a stupid as the location, can cause a misfire in a lot of things. Which has led me to something, I am quite happy being single. 

Earlier this year I decided to write a list of qualities I like or would look for when looking to date someone. Some were superficial, like works out. Some were based on experience, has a job. While some were just based on things I would like, likes to game. I took a month and depositing these qualities into a jar, and the separated them into the following categories:

Shared Values & Compatibility: 13

Independence & Growth: 10

Communication & Interaction: 14

Personal & Character Traits: 21

Emotional Qualities: 9

Physical & Practical Factors: 9

As you can see where most of my qualities lie, and then from there I decided to have x nonnegotiable and x desirable. The rest would be just nice to have, but I am willing to settle for less. Of course all these things are negotiable. Like someone may not have a job, but they might be working towards an education, to get their dream job. They might not be into gaming, but they can understand it is my main hobby. It's all about give and take. I am willing to put up with someone's habits, good or bad it will be a decision at the time, not before. 

When it comes to dating, I’m not sure what I am going to do. On one hand it seems easy to give up, accept my life as a single person. On the other, I could see myself with someone. I feel like this is a constant back and forth struggle within myself, and a lot of people. The only thing I know is, when I do get around to meeting someone, it won’t be needing to fix them, or make me feel whole. It will be to have someone who will help both us elevate each other. 

Xo FabEs